I’m at day 30 of the Whole 30 (but because I still have about a week or so of Repairvite, technically it’s a Whole 37 / 45 / not good at counting). And I have a few questions:
- How did I make it this far in life without being able to think, breathe, or sleep properly?
- Since when did an improved sense of smell become a torture device?*
- And WTF is up with this 30 day period? (It’s over now, thank goodness.)
- Why do I still not miss dairy / pasta / bread / refried beans / cocktails + being hungover / soy and rice?
- (Just kidding. Totally miss soy sauce and rice.)
- How did I become that person who reads all the labels? And why did I not read all the labels before Whole 30?
- Why is sugar the second ingredient in beef jerky / trail mix / vegan yogurt / everything?
- Why is kombucha okay on Whole 30, even though it’s basically fermented sweet tea?**
- Have all of my friends deserted me because I would rather stay at home than hang out at a bar drinking water because sorry I can’t have soda because sugar and did you know that tonic water has sugar in it I mean okay I gotta go let’s catch up in 30 days?
- Have all of my friends given up on me because I can’t eat all the things they want to eat, and they sure as hell don’t want to eat the things that I can?
- (At least I saved a butt load of money.)
- Why does no one believe me when I say I feel awesome even though I can’t eat pizza?
- Why does no one believe the fact that there about 400% more things I can eat vs. the things I can’t, and yet everyone wants to fixate on the things that I can’t eat?
- Why does everyone make a weird face when I say “paleo”?
- Why do I make a face every time I tell people I’m on paleo? (Is it because I call it “Nazi paleo”?)
- Is it better to call it a cleanse, a diet, a reset, or something my acupuncturist told me I should try and shut up you’re not my real mom?
- Why is basically every conversation some version of “Can you have X?” “No, because there’s sugar / gluten / grain, etc. in it”?
- Have I essentially developed dietary restriction Turrets, where every response to a proposed food idea is shouting the ingredients that are verboten on Whole 30?
- How will I ever go back to eating how I used to when I feel so great now not eating the things that used to make me feel awful?
- Why haven’t I murdered anyone yet?
* If there was a spectrum, where on one end it’s the butter between each flake in the pastry base of a feta and leek quiche tart, and the other is the perpetually wet inner lining of a down parka that hasn’t been washed since the guy first started wearing it two decades ago — my nose and I, we got this covered.
** If you want to get technical: while most of the sugar in kombucha has been metabolized into acid, nobody wants to drink a kombucha where all of the sugar has been fermented away because it would taste like vinegar.